My Story (the abridged version)
Before kids, I struggled with mental health challenges, was burdened with an alcohol and drug problem, and generally feeling chaotic most of the time (read: paralyzing depression and anxiety). With the help of support groups, therapy, and medication I got my shit together enough to be able to land myself a stable partner and we made a couple of humans together.
When I had my first kid, I was mostly stable and not hating life (all of the time). My first kid helped me grow so much and she is such an amazing kid. The pandemic hit, our finances were tricky, I was in grad school, so feeling stressed out made sense. We then had baby number two. I was hit with some nasty postpartum depression and anxiety. Life circumstances did not improve and actually seemed to get worse. Our finances were getting worse, demands and stress was up, limited resources, and then learning that both kids are neurodivergent. Life was hard and my mental health was feeling like a hot mess (fantasies of running away were almost constant). I got my own neurodivergent diagnosis and changed meds, but eventually things would always feel overwhelming and unmanageable.
The worst part was how small my life felt. I was never great at making friends before kids, but being a stay at home mom was so isolating. I wasn’t doing anything outside of taking care of my kids, the house, and keeping myself alive and moving. My adult conversations involved my partner, mother in law, and therapist. I tried to make art and craft when I could because that was always a saving grace for me, but it didn’t help with the loneliness and the deep sense of emptiness I felt on the daily. I had my partner, but he works full time and was feeling just as crispy as I was. I had to drop out of grad school because that just was an insane choice to begin with.
I tried to distract myself from how depressing and chaotic and miserable my life was feeling with parenting books and a mission to parent my kids radically different from how I was parented. Which worked pretty well, but definitely was not a fix for the burnout (and was actually like adding gasoline to the flame). The ADHD medication was helpful for a while, but eventually the side effects and my chronic sleep deprivation made them basically useless.
The whole time though I was determined to figure a way out of this gnarly cycle of burnout, depression, and anxiety because I knew there had to be a better way. I just wanted to feel happy and energized and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. Even with how stressful life circumstances could get, I knew there were people who could still feel happy even in the face of hardship.
Then I found the Integrative Change Work coaching program and learned how to take control of my mind and brain in a way that allowed me to turn everything around and how to do that work with others so they can do the same.
Life didn’t change overnight, but after just a year my life looks and feels so much better.
I am still at home with my kids, homeschooling them so we can have more freedom and flexibility with our days of learning and growing. I'm back in grad school, building an integrative change work practice, connecting with friends regularly, exercising daily, medication free (and depression and anxiety free)… I could go on about the list of things that make my life look full on paper, but the real transformation is in my mind and body and can be hard to describe, and even harder for some to believe, I’m sure.
Life still feels stressful and overwhelming at times, but my anxiety is gone and I actually feel excited and happy more often than not. Chaos is still a big part of our daily life, but I feel confident and calm in the face of meltdowns and a never ending to-do list.
And I do all of this without coffee even. I know, but it’s true.
Of course life isn’t perfect, and I’m still really only on the other side of survival town by a small bit, to be completely transparent. But life is GOOD more often than not, and I see the trajectory and it looks so yummy, I can’t even sometimes. Basically, I have figured it out and now I’m just practicing until I master it, and I know in my bones that I’ll have my dream life before I know it. On my best days, I can actually feel like I’m already living it.
And a big part of my dream life involves working with other parents and helping them not just get off of survival island but find their way to thriving town and help them get good and settled there.
The path to thriving town is actually stupid simple, but does require commitment, working with a trained professional (at least for a little bit), and a willingness to try new things. From there, you start making changes in your life that support your well being and maintenance becomes a breeze. It’s time to stop settling for a life of surviving and having one of thriving. It’s totally possible and you and your kids deserve it.