How my Explosive Child Made Me a Better Person
In this blog article you’ll get to hear how my explosive (or spirited) child, who nearly broke me, helped me become a happier and better parent, along with three things I did to turn things around.
Once upon a time, there was the crispiest mom you have ever met, with the loveliest but also the most explosive kids. She had her hands full with a very energetic and strong willed 3 year old and an 18 month old ticking time bomb. She loved her kids of course, but she was having fantasies of packing her bags and walking out the door and never looking back. She was questioning why she and her partner ever thought a second kid was a good idea. She knew that if her son was the first born, he would have been the only one born, because even though he was a delight at times, his struggles and needs were more than this mom signed up for. She wondered if other moms had it this hard or if it was just her. And she felt smothered by the amount of shame all of this stirred up in her.
That mom was me a very long two years ago. That short paragraph took me a very long time to push out and it doesn’t even include any of the specifics of what made life so painful with my son. In a lot of ways, the specifics aren’t important. I know the qualities of parenting a strong willed, intense, explosive, sensitive, and/or neurodivergent kid, especially in those early years when you’re just figuring out that you have one of those kids on your hands. It can be confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, and an overall hot mess.
This story gets so much better, though. First, one of my favorite things about my son is that he doesn’t settle for less and he lets you know exactly how he is feeling and I don’t have to do any guess work around that. When he’s mad, he’s pissed. When he’s sad or hurt, he’s sobbing like someone just murdered his puppy. When he’s happy his smile and happy jumping lights up a room. And of course, he’s so thoughtful and caring and all the proud momma things. So, when I would fuck up, I’d pay for it big time. This kid didn’t let me get away with any desperate parenting bullshit. I couldn’t use threats, ignore his bids for attention or love, yell at him, etc. (also, I say this with love and compassion. There is no harsh criticism on parents who are having a hard time and are doing the best they can in any given moment, especially with more “difficult” children). Basically, he was really good at making me feel guilty when it was appropriate, and this helped motivate me to show up better, even if I came close to breaking. I firmly believe that life hands us opportunities for growth, not to destroy us.
Nowadays, things are a million times better. I wake up in the morning excited to get up and start our day. I end our days feeling grateful and stoked on all the fun we had and how well everyone handled the trials and tribulations of life as a human in 2024. I’m not yelling at my kids, am skilled at redirecting meltdowns (my own and the kids), and I find myself laughing and smiling with the kids more and more. For me, being unconditionally present for my kids is everything, because from this place, I can respond with love and compassion, and keep my cool when shit starts to hit the fan, because that still happens plenty.
How’d things go from parenting hell to parenting bliss? Did I go back to work full time and put him in pre-k? Did my partner and I take up polyamory so we could have a third adult/free live-in nanny? All fine options, but no. I continue to stay at home with my kids and even homeschool them. We did a lot to help improve the living conditions of the whole family, but here are three things you can try if you’re in a similar challenging place with your “challenging,” and of course, delightful child:
I upped my self-care game by giving myself space and finding support to express my own big emotions (i.e. I got some solitude to ball my eyes out, regularary).
While my son was having a very difficult time dealing with life and would result in meltdowns, he definitely wasn’t doing it entirely wrong, and actually, in many ways, was doing it better than me. Culturally, many of us are taught that crying is “bad.” The truth is, crying is healing and necessary. Crying reduces stress and is meant to elicit help and compassion from others. Unfortunately, many of us have received the exact opposite in the form of shame, criticism, or neglect. Just because we have learned how to successfully neglect or banish our tears, the sadness still lives in our bodies and needs to be processed. It takes so much energy to hold back any emotion. Not only was I feeling less sad and rage-y, but I started feeling more joy and pleasure. This practice among others was helpful in improving my emotional intelligence as well.
2. I started doing heart coherence breathwork (HCB) daily and learned how to meditate.
Being told to try deep breathing actually made me want to punch people in the face, not feel calmer. HCB is nice because it doesn’t involve deep breathing, it’s actually very gentle and although a bit awkward at first, super simple. The typical HCB count is 5 seconds in and 5 seconds out, which is supposed to allow the brain waves and heart rhythm to sync up allowing the body and brain to function better. There are many guided YouTube videos so you don’t have to keep track of counting.
People tend to have mixed opinions of meditation, which is okay. I am here to tell you that meditation will change your life if you practice it long term. Meditation is calming AND it actually changes the brain when practiced regularly and long term. Again, YouTube has a ton of guided meditations. Keep trying it until you find something that feels good and doable.
3. I got help.
We cannot do this parenting thing (happily) without help. Family and friends are great, and professional help offers a different kind of support. A professional like an acupuncturist, coach, therapist, physical trainer, shaman… someone who can help hold space for your own emotional processing and is trained how to do that. This stuff isn’t for those more privileged than you. There are ways to find time and budget friendly options.
There are a million ways to find emotional regulation skills or guided meditations and even hypnosis online, and while all of that is great and will work, working with another human in real time is going to provide faster and more effective results. Who we spend time with actually shapes our brain. So being with a trained professional who is focused on helping you heal and/or be your best self is worth the time and money. The catch here is repetition, though. Just like meditation shapes our brains with repeated, long term practice, working with a professional can take some time, depending on the modality. That being said, the brain can change in as short as a few weeks to a few months.
This one doesn’t just apply to the parent, either. I got professional help for my son as well. I am not a fan of pathologizing human experience (part of the reason why I left my psychotherapy grad program), but my son and I needed help supporting him through this rough developmental patch we were in.
The bulk of the change was on my part however. Of course, as I became happier, my kids did too. I couldn’t help my kid find calm until I found it within myself, and he was a great motivator to do the work.
Our kids can be our greatest teachers when we’re able to pay attention and show up. If you’re looking for support in leveling up for your spirited kid, you’re in the right place.