Why did you want to have kids? Parenting as a journey of personal transformation and social change

I thought I knew very clearly my “why” for having babies, but then I actually had them and realized I had no fucking clue.

Which is okay. I’ve come to really understand that everything worth while happens in the process, not necessarily the “why” or end goal.

I thought I wanted kids because, “I have so much love to give.”

First, oh how wrong that was. MY daughter was born and I didn’t really realize in the moment (probably because so much of the experience was simply traumatizing/overwhelming for my entire system), but I didn’t feel this gushing, over flowing experience of love at first sight.

Which again, is okay.

Even though, the first few years of both of my children’s lives, very little felt “okay.”

It was more like, dog sipping coffee while everything is on fire around him and this is fine sort of okay.

And part of that was because I held onto this “why” of, “oh, I have so much love to give” story. And when I realized I didn’t actually have nearly enough love or all the other million and one resources to comfortably raise a tiny human, it was kind of soul crushing and hello postpartum depression and anxiety.

Anyway,

Luckily, I’m quick on my toes and was able to harness the power and drive of “self-improvement” or “self-healing” or “cycle-breaking”.

Again, totally okay. And honestly, it worked for a long time. I felt determined to fix myself to be a better parent for my kids. But of course…burn out.

This story is one I’ve read a million times and one that maybe you can relate to.

And this is totally the part where I’m supposed to say, “then I figured it all out let me tell you what I did so you can do it too and live happily ever after but don’t actually because I have so many offers for you to buy”

But I won’t because that pattern is part of the problem and I am definitely over rehashing and recycling problems. Over fixing my own problems, over trying to fix other people’s problems, over trying to be perfect.

Instead, I’m here to try my very best to rewrite the rules, because the world is a total dumpster fire and parenting in this dumpster fire by dumpster fire rules is…how that fire got started in the first place.

Don’t read that again because it doesn’t make sense, and also is a great illustration of the mess that being human today kind of is (or maybe always has been?).

The point that I am not doing a very “good job” of making, is that becoming a parent is massively transformative if you really want it to be and are able to access the help and guidance of others… and that YOU have this power and by teaching/sharing this power with your kids, we could totally turn this dumpster fire into something better.

And it starts with your desire, just like (maybe) the desire to have kids in the first place.

And love, because whether that love is buried under a ton of crap, it’s still in all of us and all around us.